The love we feel toward our significant other is SO strong. Here is this person. In the beginning they are a stranger. Something connects us to them; pulls us in their direction. We long to know them. We are compelled to be with them as much as we can. The more we find out about them the more we appreciate the time we are able to spend with them. As time moves forward; be it slowly or very quickly; we find ourselves more in love than we ever thought possible. Somewhere along the way there was this decision (sometimes contously, sometimes not) either way at that point we gave ourselves up… completely, utterly, one million percent to this other person; trusting in some small way that they will stay forever, lovingly, faithfully, through thick and thin, good and bad, until the Good Lord takes you. And the pain we feel with the thought of it ending, or if it really doesn’t last is one of the worst pains anyone could feel. It’s like having your heart ripped from your chest, stomped on a half a million times but you still have a physical connection to it so you feel every agonizing forceful blow. Like this huge part of yourself is missing and you can never be you again. This pain feels immeasurable, unbearable at times and you ask yourself how will I ever make it through this? How can a love so strong and so peaceful and wonderful turn into THIS??? Then there is having a child….You spend nine months or so with so many mixed feelings that range from worry to excitement and every possible emotion in between. It’s just as strong as this love you feel toward the love you never thought you could feel….but guess what? Now, as you hear their heartbeat for the first time, feel them move inside, hear their first cry, and hold your baby in your arms for the first time and look into their eyes you realize….I was wrong??? There IS a stronger love?? And just when you thought there is no way your heart could hold anymore love…..it does. Well, that same pain that you can feel from losing that first person that has a part of you; that pain that can be so unbelievabley unbearable that you ask yourself how could my heart handle anymore pain? Well, again….you are wrong….the pain from missing your child is a million times worse. Just TRY to imagine. There is this little part of you….this time you had no choice. No contious or unconcious decision weather or not that this little miracle would have you one billion percent. No in betweens here. This little being that you helped create, from the moment you knew of their existance has all of your heart and will forever. So, if you have the unbearable misfortune of not seeing them grow and change and become these wonderful people….then THAT is the hilt of pain. THAT is what a broken heart is like. You TRY and imagine that feeling and when you do….there is a feeling of overwhelming sadness, yet there again it’s only what you can imagine, its not real unless you have lived it. You can try to explain how chocolate tastes but they will never really know unless they get to try some. You can describe love to someone and they can imagine it but if they haven’t felt it for themselves they can never really know and the same goes for pain. You can describe how it feels to have third degree burns and they can imagine, but they’ll never really know unless they’ve felt it for themselves. You never know how it REALLY feels unless it has happened to you….

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sometimes what we want doesn’t correspond with what God wants. Sometimes what God wants doesn’t correspond with those important people in our lives whom we love and respect’s wants. All we can do is to pray for God to help us identify what He wants by a sence of peace in our hearts that we are doing His will. Don’t mind if it’s not what you really want or are afraid. Don’t mind if you are going to make someone you love mad or upset. You can only pray and say I am doing what God has asked and I will pray for you to have peace with my decision as I do and If I am wrong about this and it’s not what He wants then He will show me, but don’t get mad at me for doing what I feel is right just because you do not agree with me; it is my path that God calls me to follow and no one else’s. It is I who has to suffer if I don’t do what He wants and it is I who recieves His Glory when I do….

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Being a peacemaker sometimes means you have to confront people. you may be persecuted. blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness…if you are trying to do something you feel is what you should do then you can not worry over if you are making others mad.

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We went to a bible study at a friend’s house with their family (4 kids) and the missionaries. It was a little awkward at first because we are just meeting them. But we ate and chatted and then had the bible study. by the end I hugged the woman so tight and told her that I really felt God there with us. It was such a peaceful, bring you to tears feeling. So, last night I had a dream about you. A good female friend of your’s brought you down here to see us. From what I had gathered it was a little reluctantly on your part. But you eventually opened up and looked so happy. We ended up having this big party, I couldn’t even tell you who was there or anything, but at one point I looked over and your dad was standing behind you and had his arms draped around your neck/shoulders and you were kinda leaning back on him real casual just laughing and joking (almost like he was showing you off like -yeah this is my baby girl all grown up and she’s absolutly perfect, isn’t she? ) and I could tell how much you were enjoying being here. So, I was near your friend and she saw you guys too and I gave her a big hug and thanked her for bringing you for a visit. She smiled so big and sweetly and said so sincerely you are welcome. I didn’t want to wake up from that dream. I can only hope it is a sign from God that we will see you very soon. :D You just don’t know how happy we all would be! We would be on cloud nine….:))

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Being a peacemaker sometimes means you have to confront people. you may be persecuted. blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness…if you are trying to do something you feel is what you should do then you can not worry over if you are making others mad.

KJH you have NO idea the love your daddy has for you. Yes, you have Little MrE to experience the love and joy that comes from having a child of your own, yet you haven’t yet experienced what it is like being away from him. Yes you have to be away from him during school and work but imagine not having that choice. imagine wanting desperately to see him, hug him, talk to him but you can’t and you don’t understand why. You know the love of having your own but you do not know the pain of losing him and I pray you never will. It has hurt me over these many many years to see your dad cry every birthday, every father’s day, every christmas and any other given day because he couldn’t see you, talk to you, show you the love he holds in his heart every day it beats. I thought I had some idea of that pain. I thought the hurt I felt when I saw the anguish in his eyes that I knew what he was going through. You see his pain through my eyes, you haven’t really seen it through his because you haven’t gotten to know him enough. Your sister and brother went to a church camp this week. I couldn’t talk to them for three days and when I did, I broke down crying. Not having them right here in the same house is the most agonizing pain I have ever felt. And I ask myself how your daddy has been able to go on, day after day, year after year without hearing, seeing or hugging you and I now have some kind of vantage point to go off of. I KNOW how much he loves you because it’s a million times more than I do. I KNOW how he’s missed you over the years and how unbelievably excited he was to see you again and even more so when he thought you were going to come here. We all were. There is the hole in all of us. Your dad’s is the deepest because he had you once. He held you when you cried, he rocked you to sleep, he sang to you, he made you giggle….he did all the things daddies do he just didn’t get to do them long enough. The hole I have is from the little 4 year old, the love of my life’s life. the girl i wanted to take places and watch her grow into a wonderful, God fearing woman and for me to be the best stepmom I could be. The hole your sisters and brothers have is having a big sister out there that they could talk to, they could goof off with, they could ask advice about the opposite sex (things they don’t really want to talk to us about lol). There’s this memory of meeting you and the pictures on the walls and the knowlege you are out there and the wishing we could see you. We each have a Kayla shaped hole in our hearts and lives and now we have an Elijah shaped hole and we haven’t even met him yet. But you are both a part of us. I pray you both know one day a smidgen of the love we all have for you but more so your daddy. I’m still waiting for you to realize that you never were truley given the chance to make your own decision about him because you were told that before you were even given the chance to know him. You were pushed off that ledge without a parachute. If any two people on this earth deserve to know eachother it is you and him. You two have known enough pain in this world and deserve to see a little more of the joy (I would say God’s joy, but I don’t know if you are close enough to him right now to recognize that this is his work). You may never know just how much he loves you, and I think deep down you know but I pray one day soon you will be able to experience it…..With ALL of the love we possess….always.

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