I get frustrated. She posts things so often about her life and thoughts and feelings that are so contradictory to the way she behaves. She gets mad and blocks us. She says don’t judge people, accept them as they are, and most recently “don’t give up on what God calls you to do”. Well, I know God’s called me to do what I can to bring her and her dad, and all of us back together. Because she and her dad are so much alike and think so much alike nothing will ever get done between the two of them at the rate they go….   :/    But it’s hard to not give up because she does all she can to push us away. When all we want is a few hours of her time each year at least. Then more when and if she ever feels ready. All we ask for is a chance to prove to her that we are good people. We aren’t perfect but given the chance we’d never let her down! We’d always be there when she needed us. I think we proved that just because when she was kicked out, hit and put down while she was pregnant and even afterwards, we were there to try and pick up the pieces. Her mom said she didn’t tell her earlier because she wanted her to get to know her dad first. Well, she didn’t even get that chance. Because if she had then she’d be where I am, saying “There’s no way. There had to be a mistake.”

I just wish she could take her own advice when it comes to us. I KNOW these aren’t even about us, but maybe if she put them into context with us she’d understand God does want her to know us!!

Some of the things she has posted that so very much should be used in this situation:

Life is about finding yourself and discovering who God meant you to be.

God will help you overcome wrong motives and intentions if you’ll simply ask and receive help rather than trying to do it on your own.

If you judge people you have no time to love them.

What if I break your trust some day? Trusting you is my decision, proving me wrong is yours.

No one except God can take nothing and make something out of it.

I’ve made mistakes and I always will. I may not be perfect to you or anyone else. But I will always be perfect to and for HIM.

I could never imagine a life like this without a God like that of the universe!

The blessing you’ve waited for is too close to give up now!

Never give up on something you really want. Its hard to wait but worse to regret.

There are no holes in his shoes but a hole in his world.

Don’t stop praying today because that blessing could be here tomorrow.

You can always tell how much you love someone by how much they can hurt you.

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU’VE DONE. I CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL DO IN THE FUTURE. BE HONEST WITH ME AND I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

It is better to lose your pride for someone you love than lose someone you love for your useless pride.

I promise no matter how hard it gets I’ll work to make this work.

Forget about all the reasons something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will.

If you truly want to be with a person, listen to your heart and not all the voices from all the people around you.

Just because you’re not talking to each other, that doesn’t mean you’re both not thinking about each other, and missing each other.

Never lose sight of what means the most to you

It’s amazing what people do for love, and it’s even more amazing what love does to people

What makes something special is not just what you have to gain, but what you feel there is to lose

You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it

Anytime you get ready to confront something in your life, there will always be a lot of “what ifs” that the devil will put in your head.

Love is not a feeling we have; it’s a decision to treat people the way Jesus would treat them

The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest

I don’t care what I have to go through. You’re so worth it.

No matter what, no matter how, where or who - you can almost always turn around and get a second chance.

Missing someone is a part of loving them

Dory: “Trust me on this.” | Marlin: “Trust you?” | Dory: “Yes, trust. It’s what friends do.” –Finding Nemo

God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but it’s worth the wait.

You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, not what I’ve been through. If you were in my shoes, you’d fall the first step

If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have stuck around this long

(Like I said, I know none of them had anything to do with us. Just makes me sad she can not put two and two together and realize God brought her dad back to her at this time because he knows she’s smart enough and strong enough to decide for herself who he really is. What role God has planed for him in her life. God wanted to wait until she learned what she learned through hard times in her life, and now He wants her to be able to enjoy the love of the dad He’s given her. He knows that when she lets her guard down and is able to experience the love we have for her that it will mold her even more into the person God intends her to be)

Kayla Justinn (Justine) Howard We couldn’t love you more if we tried and we just want a chance to prove it once and for all….

 

 

I just don’t understand…

why she refuses to see that the whole thing was just a big mistake. I’m sure if her mom could see she was wrong she would have taken it back and made sure her little girl got the best of both worlds. If her dad knew something had happened and that he wasn’t just being threatened by someone he loved once who now hated him then he would have done something about it and things would have been all perfect. Why does she refuse to just accept the time God is trying to give her with the wonderful, God fearing man He gave her as a dad???? Why does she not care that he’s been dying all these years? Why does she not care what kind of message she is sending to her sisters and brothers? By blocking them on social sites it does not make her look like a child of God, it makes her look small and unforgiving. Like she said once, they never did anything. The only thing in this world any of the six of us have tried to do is to love and support her. To be there when she felt unloved. To give her a home when she was kicked out. To show her that she comes first in our lives even if we don’t hers or when she doesn’t in anyone else’s. How is that a negative thing in her life?? Just doesn’t make sense to me and it breaks my heart to pieces. We were willing to give up certain things so that she could bring her little family down here and they could start their life. That’s what would have happened if she’d have been able to get to know us before all this misunderstanding came out. Why does she think its a bad thing that we love her and would do anything on this earth for her. I am not by any means putting anyone down, what happened between her and those who’ve treated her poorly is none of my business. I am not judging because I wasn’t there. All I think is she should  meet up with us one more time and really listen to The Holy Spirit. He will witness to her the truth. At least then she could honestly say “God, I tried. I did things Your way and not mine. I listened to hear Your voice of truth.” Then if the devil still lingers in the back of her mind, so be it.  The End. I’d quit. If she’d only just  try…

In some alternate reality we are one big happy family. You got to spend as much time with your daddy as his work allowed. He would pick you up and take you to the zoo. The two of you would have been inseparable, two peas in a pod, daddy and daughter doing everything together. When He knew I was the one, he would have introduced us. We’d have gone to the park every weekend. When we got married, it wouldn’t have been at the courthouse, it would’ve been in a church and it would have been a year before. You would have been the flower girl. A year later you would’ve been at the hospital when your baby brother Dale was born. You would’ve had your own room in our first house as a family, for the weekends you’d stay over, or the days the bus dropped you off at our house because your mom worked late or something. Then when I was pregnant with Marian you would have gone with us in December to meet your Great Grandmother, Madeline Howard. You would’ve watched your little brother walk for the first time. When you started school, your daddy would have been there to comfort you if you had a bad day, or picked you up from school if you were sick, or come ate lunch with you before he went to work. You could have been at the hospital when your baby sister Marian was born, again when your baby brother Nicholas was born and once again when your baby sister Autumn was born. You would have been so excited to share pictures of them on show and tell day. You would have been so excited to show your daddy the pictures of when you went to the beach and swam with the dolphins. Better yet, you would have called him at the end of the day to tell him all about it. You would have enjoyed house hunting with us when we outgrew the small house. You and your dad would have had a blast choosing the colors and painting and decorating your new room& your own bathroom and everything. Every birthday and Christmas there would have been no doubt daddy would be there because even though your mom and dad divorced, you knew how much each of them loved you. Your dad would have bought you your first bike and taught you how to ride it. You would have been able to go to the beach with us for your dad’s first time at an ocean.  We all would have been there at your baptism and you at ours.  We all would have been there at your 8th grade graduation, cheering you on. We’d have gone to every soccer game and been the loudest in the stands “Go Kayla!!”. You would have gotten your own car in your own name on your 16th birthday. You would have the loudest proudest family at your High school graduation. When you got pregnant with Elijah, we’d have thrown you the BIGGEST baby shower EVER. We would have helped you and Joshua get your own place. You would kiss away a tear from your dad’s cheek before he walked you down the aisle to give you away. On your 17th birthday, you would have gotten all teary-eyed when you opened the present he picked out just for his oldest daughter. Yeah, there would have been fussing and arguing here and there; like: “You’re not my mom!” or “Stay out of my room!” to your siblings, but it would never be something we couldn’t all get through. In this alternate reality you wouldn’t have had to go through a lot of the things you had to but you would still be strong because it’s in your DNA and it is something that both your parents would have taught you you can be.  You would have never felt alone and would have always had someone to lean on and talk to. I know most of that is stuff that will never happen and its stuff we can’t get back, but that doesn’t mean the feeling behind it can’t still be. There are people out there who are adopted out for one reason or another who finally get to meet their parents, no, it’s not easy at first and there are things they have to talk about and cry about and get past but then the future is wide open for healing and improving their relationship. God does so much and when He tries to heal us and improve our lives we should never ask why, we should only move forward. If God gives you a mom and a dad to honor then you should try to do that. Honor your mother by hearing what she had to say, but honor your father by giving him the benefit of the doubt and by giving him a chance to prove himself to you. And by honoring your father and getting to know the real him, then you have a strong possibility by honoring your mom by helping her heal from a horrible thought she’s lived with all these years. You can help so much you just don’t even know how much. It’ll be bumpy in the beginning by totally worth it all as time goes on. I know in my heart and soul that God wants this to work otherwise He wouldn’t have put it in your precious heart in the first place. Please allow Him to work on your heart….He really does great things when we allow Him. Let us in Kayla. That is all we ask is for the chance to show you this love we have for you. You think the love you have for Elijah is wonderful??? Just hold on, it gets better! You are the apple of your daddy’s eye. He loves you more than you could ever imagine, just let him show you, little by little. Let him earn your trust by making memories along the way. :D
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In some alternate reality we are one big happy family. You got to spend as much time with your daddy as his work allowed. He would pick you up and take you to the zoo. The two of you would have been inseparable, two peas in a pod, daddy and daughter doing everything together. When He knew I was the one, he would have introduced us. We’d have gone to the park every weekend. When we got married, it wouldn’t have been at the courthouse, it would’ve been in a church and it would have been a year before. You would have been the flower girl. A year later you would’ve been at the hospital when your baby brother Dale was born. You would’ve had your own room in our first house as a family, for the weekends you’d stay over, or the days the bus dropped you off at our house because your mom worked late or something. Then when I was pregnant with Marian you would have gone with us in December to meet your Great Grandmother, Madeline Howard. You would’ve watched your little brother walk for the first time. When you started school, your daddy would have been there to comfort you if you had a bad day, or picked you up from school if you were sick, or come ate lunch with you before he went to work. You could have been at the hospital when your baby sister Marian was born, again when your baby brother Nicholas was born and once again when your baby sister Autumn was born. You would have been so excited to share pictures of them on show and tell day. You would have been so excited to show your daddy the pictures of when you went to the beach and swam with the dolphins. Better yet, you would have called him at the end of the day to tell him all about it. You would have enjoyed house hunting with us when we outgrew the small house. You and your dad would have had a blast choosing the colors and painting and decorating your new room& your own bathroom and everything. Every birthday and Christmas there would have been no doubt daddy would be there because even though your mom and dad divorced, you knew how much each of them loved you. Your dad would have bought you your first bike and taught you how to ride it. You would have been able to go to the beach with us for your dad’s first time at an ocean.  We all would have been there at your baptism and you at ours.  We all would have been there at your 8th grade graduation, cheering you on. We’d have gone to every soccer game and been the loudest in the stands “Go Kayla!!”. You would have gotten your own car in your own name on your 16th birthday. You would have the loudest proudest family at your High school graduation. When you got pregnant with Elijah, we’d have thrown you the BIGGEST baby shower EVER. We would have helped you and Joshua get your own place. You would kiss away a tear from your dad’s cheek before he walked you down the aisle to give you away. On your 17th birthday, you would have gotten all teary-eyed when you opened the present he picked out just for his oldest daughter. Yeah, there would have been fussing and arguing here and there; like: “You’re not my mom!” or “Stay out of my room!” to your siblings, but it would never be something we couldn’t all get through. In this alternate reality you wouldn’t have had to go through a lot of the things you had to but you would still be strong because it’s in your DNA and it is something that both your parents would have taught you you can be.  You would have never felt alone and would have always had someone to lean on and talk to. I know most of that is stuff that will never happen and its stuff we can’t get back, but that doesn’t mean the feeling behind it can’t still be. There are people out there who are adopted out for one reason or another who finally get to meet their parents, no, it’s not easy at first and there are things they have to talk about and cry about and get past but then the future is wide open for healing and improving their relationship. God does so much and when He tries to heal us and improve our lives we should never ask why, we should only move forward. If God gives you a mom and a dad to honor then you should try to do that. Honor your mother by hearing what she had to say, but honor your father by giving him the benefit of the doubt and by giving him a chance to prove himself to you. And by honoring your father and getting to know the real him, then you have a strong possibility by honoring your mom by helping her heal from a horrible thought she’s lived with all these years. You can help so much you just don’t even know how much. It’ll be bumpy in the beginning by totally worth it all as time goes on. I know in my heart and soul that God wants this to work otherwise He wouldn’t have put it in your precious heart in the first place. Please allow Him to work on your heart….He really does great things when we allow Him. Let us in Kayla. That is all we ask is for the chance to show you this love we have for you. You think the love you have for Elijah is wonderful??? Just hold on, it gets better! You are the apple of your daddy’s eye. He loves you more than you could ever imagine, just let him show you, little by little. Let him earn your trust by making memories along the way. :D

Talking to a friend of mine who was wrongly accused of something and had her first born baby girl taken from her. I said wow, déjà vu…. It was nice to talk to someone who kinda knows how it feels and what its like to miss out on their kids’ life. Like I said, Kayla isn’t mine by blood or adoption, but she has been mine in my heart since she was 4. Since I knew of her existance. Having seen my friend cry over missing her daughter made me sad because yet again, I am comforting someone I care about who are under similar circumstances. Having loved and cared for a child since conception and having all these dreams of what fun things life will consist of from now on….just to have that bubble burst. Just to have your heart ripped from your chest. Nobody can know or imagine what it is like to not be able to see their child unless they have been through it themselves. I’ve seen what it can do to someone first hand. I watched for 15 years as my husband tried to drown his sadness in alcohol. I watched year after year the grief in his eyes every March 15th, Every Holiday, Fathers Day and every other day in between as he wished for his daughter to be returned to him. I thank God that He allowed us to find this church. It has allowed him to let go of those addictions. Yet, now I know he has no way to ease that pain he still feels knowing his daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him. After years of praying she would one day want to meet him and know her dad just to have her believe something about him to be true that isn’t. Not just one thing but everything she’s ever heard she believes to be true, not once asking him and alowing him to defend himself of anything. At least a jury has to put in to account the benefit of the doubt into consideration. But that wasn’t a luxury he had back when he was a kid, but you’d think that at least his own flesh and blood could give him a chance to prove what kind of a man he is. All she has to do is get to know her siblings to get to know the kind of man he is. She said that her mom wanted her to be able to make up her own mind about him before she told her what she believed to be true. But she didn’t even do that. She didn’t get the chance to know him for herself before she was told that. If she had then it would have taken so very much more to convince her of it or she wouldn’t have believed it at all. She would’ve been able to say, “Mom, I am sorry you have lived with this thought all these years, and I am sorry that because of it I’ve missed my dad and he’s missed me, but there is no way my dad did that. I’ve gotten to know him and have seen a man who loves me and would kill anyone who did that to me.” I know if she gave herself the chance to get to know him that is what she would find. A day hasn’t passed in her life that she hasn’t been loved, missed and thought of. If I didn’t know this to be true I would let it go, God would let me just move on. But the fact that God hasn’t given us that peace tells me that He has a plan. One that involves her knowing us. When I was talking with my friend, I told her that she sould write her daughter letters like I did, and give them to her when the time is right. She said she was a jaded young girl when her parents divorce and she cut ties to her mom until she was 21 and now she is her best friend. She said now that she has known her mom longer than she was without her and that yes she missed her younger years but knowing they have more time together than they did aprt helps her. So, that gives me hope that Kayla will come around eventually. My friend and I have said something out of the blue here and there that the other really needed to hear at the time and we both know without a doubt that it was God who made that happen. I met this girl at church. She was returning from a long absence from the church and I was just joining. I never just go up and talk to people but God told me to so I did. We were at a bar-b-que. I didn’t think much of it at the time but our journey back into church together was what Heavenly Father wanted. For our lives to be intertwined. She is a good person and I’ve grown to love her and her family. God knows what He is doing and we just have to be willing to go when he says go and to get out of our comfort zone to do it. We were talking in church about how we are here to grow and advance, we aren’t meant to stay in kindergarten so to speak, just because we are comfortable. If we do then we never advance in this life. If we can not mend the bonds that have been broken then we can not heal. Kayla Justinn Howard, I love you. I always have and always will.

I ask myself, what is she going to tell little Elijah or any of her 5 other future children when they ask “Mommy, Where’s your daddy?” She surely couldn’t in good conscience say “My daddy was a bad man so my mom took me away from him”. Not and feel like she told her child the truth, because she really doesn’t know. Her mom knew about what those people did to him, same as me. She loved and trusted him once, same as me. Even after their fall out she trusted him. But she just didn’t trust herself when something happened to her daughter. She lost rationality like most would and She didn’t listen to that voice that told her “there’s no way it was this man I loved once”. Kayla couldn’t tell her children because she doesn’t know him. She won’t allow herself to know him. Maybe because she is afraid her mom is right about him. Maybe because she is afraid when she finds out that her mom was wrong about him that she will lose her mom. Maybe she’s afraid if she learns to love him as much as he loves her that she will lose him again and she can’t bear the thought. I don’t know why. I just wish she could get past any kind of fear she may have and just realize that God put him back in her life so she can know him. So she can know this love she has missed out on for so long. A friend of hers told me she was happy Kayla finally got to meet her dad because that was a part of her life she’d been missing out on. But God didn’t have to bring her back to us. He could have made sure one way or another that she would never be able to find him or vise versa. That’s what God would have done if He didn’t want her to know her dad. He does it to all kinds of people in this world. I pray one day soon that she realizes that God’s will is for her to be close to her dad. One little baby step at a time. God could have given her a dad who didn’t care, who were to tell her mom to abort her or that she isn’t his or just not care one ounce about her like some parents out there in this world. He gave her the complete opposite. One who has waited her whole life for her to come back to him, dying inside everyday it didn’t happen. One who if his hands weren’t tied all those years would have been by her side every second just to make sure she was safe and knew how much she was loved. She’s been given this second chance to feel that love but she refuses to take it for whatever reason. She has a dad who would allow her to bring a complete stranger into his home just because his little girl loved him. She has a dad who never would have treated her bad no matter how bad she screwed up. She doesn’t know this kind of love but I pray one day soon she will. She has the love of a daddy who’d do anything in this world for her; the love of sisters and brothers that look up to her and want to know this girl who shares their blood; the love of a stepmother who has loved her since she knew of her existence and loves her like her own; the love of grandparents who’ve missed spoiling their 3rd grandchild as she grew up; the love of extended family who don’t even share her blood but would treat her like family anyway. She has all these people who want to be a part of her life that would look out for her best interest and that of her little family. God tried to show her all of this last year but she let what she was told sink in a little too deep. Something that she could have said, “ok, maybe it’s true OR maybe just maybe mom was mistaken and I can have this wonderful life that Joshua and I dreamed of!” And have faith in God that He would keep them safe and well as they found out. She said she never would have forgiven herself for bringing her son down here. If she thought he maybe would’ve been in danger does that mean that she thinks her sisters and brothers are in danger? Does she care that little about them that she wouldn’t want to talk to them and keep up with them and try to keep them safe? Yes that is my job, I know. But I can tell you that they have been safe since before they were born, just as she was, because they all have the same man as a daddy who couldn’t hurt them even if he wanted to. But even if she had doubts she wouldn’t have had to leave him here with us if she didn’t want, We’ve got a wonderful church family who would have helped I know.   I pray God works in her heart. If she could just observe us from a distance she could see who we are. Pictures speak a thousand words. She could see then what kind of family we are. If she could take an hour or so out of her day every once in a while, to have lunch or dinner with us (in a public place) to get to know all of us then she could find out for herself. Rome wasn’t built in a day as they say, so bonds broken aren’t either. Every relationship takes time. And out of her mouth (or blog) “anything worth anything doesn’t come easy” but with God’s help we can all get to a point that we need to be. God wouldn’t put all this on my mind and heart if He thought she was a lost cause, I know this to be true. He knows she has a heart of gold covered in bandages that He wants to slowly remove if she will only allow her Father in Heaven to do His will. Kayla Jusinn Howard you are loved beyond comprehension!! Always have been always will be!

I decided That yes, this is something I feel strongly that God has pushed me to do. That He’s wanted me to do my best to get through to her that she should get to know her dad, but I feel like I was the closest I could get when she decided to take the leap of faith and move down here with her fiance’ and newborn son. THAT was it. But as hard as I worked to do God’s work, the opposition worked just as hard to make sure it wasn’t to happen. I feel defeated. I feel like I wasn’t strong enough and the devil was just too cunning. I thought I had done everything God told me to but maybe I didn’t, maybe I missed something somewhere. I feel like such a failure that even doing my very best that I could not break through this girl’s hardened heart. I wanted desperately for her to see the man her dad truly is; to get to know the daddy her sisters and brothers have the priveledge of knowing; for Elijah to know the grandpa that his cousins will know one day; for him to see all the blood that runs in his veins for who they each are instead of just hearing from someone else who they are thought to be; for her to see her dad for who he really is by her own prospective. God made me strong enough to do what He wanted but I was just too weak to say it in just the right way or she was too closed to feel it the way it was meant to be felt. I really don’t know. It breaks my heart that my husband, who’s already had a rough life, has to continue through the rest of his life with a broken heart, with  missing pieces: His 1st born little girl and His 1st Grandbaby. I wish she could understand that there is no way to get back the past and the present goes so very fast and we are never guaranteed the future. I don’t want her to miss out on her entire life of not knowing the true nature of her dad. I don’t want that to be the one regret she comes to the end of her life (or his) wishing she could change. I wish I had been a better messenger for her. I wish I’d had the role of being step mommy instead of the evil step mother. The one who played dress up, picked her up when her mom couldn’t, playing such a major role in her life that she couldn’t imagine it any other way. But no, I had to be the messenger of things she refuses to hear. I was supposed to be the loving and supportive mother-role during her pregnancy and the loving, adoring, doting grandmother role that she and he were denied for the obvious reason and also because she wouldn’t let us in for ME to do those things. She couldn’t let us in for us to show her our kind of love and support. I have failed God and I have failed my husband. I have failed Kayla and I have failed Dale, Marian, Nicholas and Autumn. I have failed my mother-in-law and I have failed little Elijah. It kills me to know this and I blame only myself. I’m not sure how much more my heart can handle. The Devil truly does work extra hard when he knows you are on the right track. He knows how to make things look and seem so much different than they really are. He knows how to close up a person’s heart so much that it takes something HUGE to open it again. I pray so often that the HUGE thing doesn’t take away from her anything more. I thought it was maybe her mom denying her, her fiance and her son. I thought that was the huge thing that pushed her to find the truth. And it almost was until she was fooled by the Devil. I honestly don’t know what else to do. All I can do is let her know that no matter what, our door and our hearts will always be open to her. I will do my best to make sure the kids’ hearts and minds are the same despite feeling shunned and pushed away by her. She will always be welcome in our home. She is our Kayla Justinn Howard and he is our Elijah Blaine Howard and Had she brought Joshua he’d be just as much a part of the family. I pray some day that she is able to know the love that is felt for her and I am sorry for having failed in my role that God gave me. I can only pray that she does better in the role He’s given her. I was the messenger and I believe she is the changer. I pray she does a better job of changing the future that the past’s mistakes have tried to create. One where she never gets to know us and neither of them have a connection to this blood line they share. I pray she is better at the job God’s given her than I was, that she will do what she knows is right and that is Honoring her Father and her Mother by knowing who each of them are as individuals and loving them just the same. Maybe she’s stronger than me. I can only pray that she is. I love that girl like my own and pray for the best life for her.

kitchaos: Front view of the crib. I’m only using half of the bumper. (Taken with instagram) Hard to beieve it’s been a year since we were making plans for the three of them to come down here! I still say they’d’ve been married and had their own place by now. While they were going to be here they’d’ve had their choice of our master bedroom (with the walk in closet, locking door, window overlooking the back yard and master bathroom) or they could’ve stayed in the extra room off the kitchen that has a double closet, a bathroom and it’s own entrance so if they were out late on date night or working they wouldn’t have had to worry about disturbing us. I think things would have been just fine
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kitchaos:

Front view of the crib. I’m only using half of the bumper. (Taken with instagram)

Hard to beieve it’s been a year since we were making plans for the three of them to come down here! I still say they’d’ve been married and had their own place by now. While they were going to be here they’d’ve had their choice of our master bedroom (with the walk in closet, locking door, window overlooking the back yard and master bathroom) or they could’ve stayed in the extra room off the kitchen that has a double closet, a bathroom and it’s own entrance so if they were out late on date night or working they wouldn’t have had to worry about disturbing us. I think things would have been just fine

She’s more important than she thinks

Why is it too much for her to find out for herself and maybe prove her mom wrong about her dad. Not to simply prove her wrong, But to mend whats broken and heal everyone’s hearts. She says her mom crys about it all the time, so wouldn’t it help her to know that she carried this hatred and agony for the wrong person? That he coulnd’t have done anything to stop it anymore than she could. But actually, He could have. If he had only known that something even happend in the first place He could have and would have put a stop to it and Lord knows what he’d’ve done to whoever it was. But maybe that’s why he wasn’t supposed to know who it was, to save himself from doing anything he’d regret. But I’m sure her mom would have a hard time at first accepting that she was wrong, that she blamed the wrong person, But I’m sure eventually she’d see that knowing her dad really helps her daughter more than she ever thought possible. That by knowing his grandpa, his uncles and aunts, Elijah will become the man she, while he was in the womb,never thought he could be. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe She will never accept that she was wrong. But that isn’t Kayla’s problem to deal with. She can not control what others think. She can only show by example the kind of person she is (forgiving and understanding and open hearted) and the kind of person she wants her son to become. If he sees people who make assumptions and don’t get to the bottom of all situations then he will do the same throughout his own life. And that may screw him out of something special he’s supposed to be blessed with in his life. I’m not trying to tell her how to raise her son. I’m not trying to tell her how to handle the situation. I’m simply trying to show her that maybe she is the key to this whole thing. That she and only she can make what was bad fixed. Only she can truly get to know the man who’s blood runs through her veins. Only she can get to know her sisters and brothers whom she also shares the same DNA. I’m not saying that’s what makes family ‘family’ but it’s definitely where it starts and ends, the rest is up to us. Maybe she doesn’t give herself enough credit. I truly believe that it is her that God has put this on because He has more Faith in her than she does in him and in herself. She is the one who can make all this better. All she has to do is take that first frightening, exciting step and meet up with us every once in a while. Make that small effort to simply be around us to see who we are. We don’t  believe in putting on masks and being who we aren’t because when you do that it eventually comes into light who you truly are.

The baby by Tyler Breedwell Photo on Flickr.I thought this fit so well considering it was Kayla’s 1st Christmas: She was 8 months, 2 weeks and 5 days old. Our kids’ adoptive grandparents from Utah gave this to us in a Christmas card: Words of Howard W. Hunter on Dec 4, 1994 “Christmas is a time for giving. Someone once said he couldn’t think of what to give for Christmas. The next day in the mail he received an anonymous list which read: Give your enemy forgiveness, To your opponent tolerance, To your friend your heart, To all men charity, for the hands that help are holier than lips that pray, To every child a good example, and to yourself-respect. All of us need to follow the example of the Savior in giving these kinds of gifts. From Christina Rossetti we read: What can I give Him, Poor as I am? If I were a shepherd I would give Him a lamb, If I were a Wise Man I would do my part,- But what I can I give Him, Give my heart. This Christmas, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again. Christmas is a celebration, and there is no celebration that compares with the realization of its true meaning- with the sudden stirring of the heart that has extended itself unselfishly in the things that matter most.”
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The baby by Tyler Breedwell Photo on Flickr.

I thought this fit so well considering it was Kayla’s 1st Christmas: She was 8 months, 2 weeks and 5 days old. Our kids’ adoptive grandparents from Utah gave this to us in a Christmas card: Words of Howard W. Hunter on Dec 4, 1994 “Christmas is a time for giving. Someone once said he couldn’t think of what to give for Christmas. The next day in the mail he received an anonymous list which read:
Give your enemy forgiveness,
To your opponent tolerance,
To your friend your heart,
To all men charity, for the hands that help are holier than lips that pray,
To every child a good example, and to yourself-respect.
All of us need to follow the example of the Savior in giving these kinds of gifts. From Christina Rossetti we read:
What can I give Him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would give Him a lamb,
If I were a Wise Man
I would do my part,-
But what I can I give Him,
Give my heart.
This Christmas, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again.
Christmas is a celebration, and there is no celebration that compares with the realization of its true meaning- with the sudden stirring of the heart that has extended itself unselfishly in the things that matter most.”

Dear Kayla,

You are my only big sister. You are the oldest of us Howard kids. Even though you were only 4 when I was born  I think you would have been a great big sister to me. (and the other 3 when they were born!) Mom showed me a while back what you wrote about being a bully and how you love us even though you can sometimes be hard headed. I think that must run in the family. Lol But we missed so much of each others lives. Mom said we lived in the same area that you did for about 6 years and never got to see you. We didn’t really know about you until the week we met you because mom and dad were afraid we wouldn’t understand and would bug them to see you and that would have been hard on them. We still bug them (well her because she won’t let us bug dad because it is harder on him). I know your picture was always on the wall. I would ask who that was all the time and mom would just say “Kayla and I’ll tell you about her when you are older”. When we met you I was too young to know much about it. I just knew dad had been married before which was confusing to me at the time. At first they were like “It might be dad and Kayla for a little while so they can get to know each other again.” I don’t know if you were jealous of us but I was of you. For two reasons #1 I thought you were taking my dad away, #2 I thought well yea he’s missed out on time with her but so have we so why can’t we all get to know each other as a family?? That’s just how I felt at 10 years old. I got over it pretty quick after we met you. But I never thought  that the first time I would meet my older sister would also be the last time I would ever see her!

 Back when Elijah was first born we found out that you, him and Joshua would be coming to live with us for a little while. I was so excited! I wasn’t even upset we would have to give up the game room! (and that’s saying a lot! Lol) But you are my sister and were bringing our cute little nephew with you and we were going to get to see you everyday! We were very busy trying to get the house all cleaned up for you, mom was trying to find furniture for you, and dad was in a really good mood all the time which for the most part is not normal! He usually comes home tired and worn out from work but not during that time. He would help out getting things prepped. Kayla I don’t think we were ever so happy! We were getting our long lost sister!! Nana (I guess Mamaw to you Brandi & Perry) she was excited too and said she couldn’t wait to see you and her great grandson! The video I made for you cuts off on the music but I am going to have mom look up the lyrics to it and add it to this. Since I don’t get to get on twitter much and you don’t follow me anyway. It made me sad that you deleted me on Facebook and I am too scared to send you a message anyway at all mom said she could post it up on Tumblr for me. But she said that you don’t get on there much and she doesn’t know if you will see it or not. I hope you do. I hope you see one day that you have two brothers and two sisters down here that miss you and really want to see you again one day soon!! (And a dad!) I love you, my sister!! Hug Elijah real big for me!!

Love forever,

Your little brother, Dale

Ps I would love to see you graduate highschool at the end of this year! I want you to see me graduate in 4 more years!! Oh, and if you ever get tired of the crap guys put you through there’s a few nice ones your age at our church! ;) Lol I love and miss you!!

I still have the emails between she and her dad….

It was on Aug 19, 2011 when he was trying to find her on FB and she was “Kayla Haymon” then. That was the day of my daddy’s death back in 1991. :( But anyway, I saw what he wrote and I hope they end up back together….They deserve to be happy no matter what anyone says. I wrote this when Hubby told me what He’d written about her on his wall, before I even read it….

Hubby asked me if I’d seen what Joshua posted on his FB wall about Kayla. I said no and he told me the jest of what it said and his opinion on the matter (but he’s kind of bias and a bit protective of his daughter lol). I try and stay neutral. But I still say if they had come down here no matter what anyone had to say they’d still be together raising their first son. If they had, it would just be them, here, as their little family builds and grows stronger. No Drama from outside influences; just them learning and loving together. They could’ve stayed here for about half a minute until Joshua got a job. Which wouldn’t have taken long at all I’m sure. Then they could’ve got a little place of their own, she could’ve gone to school as he worked and then after she got a degree got a job then she could give him the chance to go to school and get his degree. They would have had our support as they got to know us. Any help they might have needed (furniture, finding a place, etc.) anybody in the church would’ve helped them in a heartbeat. Someone probably would’ve rented them a space real cheap to start. They love our family and would love them just as much. Everyone there is so helpful and work together as one big unit to make sure each other’s needs are met. I love it. But I do believe if they had come here and did all that then they would have been so much better off. I don’t know much about the situation only that from outsiders prospective maybe he got a bit overwhelmed and didn’t have the support he needed to know that he could be the man of the family, the primary breadwinner, the support and rock of his own little family. That is a scary realization for a lot of men and we as women sometimes don’t see that. We just see what they need to do and expect them to automatically take responsibility. For someone who already is in the kind of stressful situation they were in on top of being despised by the love of his life’s mother, that’s enough to drive anyone nuts. He seemingly went through a mini- early life crises I don’t think it’s irreparable damage…and if they love each other the way they said then that hasn’t gone away. They still have hearts racing, uncontrollable shakes and short of breath when they see each other. But like I said, I don’t know enough about the situation to be able to say who was wrong who was right or anything like that. And most times it’s a bit of both just both parties are too stubborn to say sorry to each other. I just say what I think could have been. And still could be if they were to end up back together at some point.  If it’s true love then they can overcome the obstacles the devil puts in their way. I think they have a heck of a chance at still being together in 20+ years if in the right atmosphere and the right support group. Relationships are hard but they are nearly impossible if all you have is opposition from your friends and other loved ones. We love them so much and just want them to be happy. (all 3 of them) I mean they were so happy and excited to come here and start their lives together as were we for them too! God knows what He is doing and I think that chapter is not over yet.  Maybe she needed this time to get a little self confidence under her belt before she stood up for her dreams. Maybe he needed to lose her for a little while for him to really appreciate the beautiful, loving woman and sweet son God gave him. Maybe they both needed to mature a little more so they would be able to see that we aren’t the horrible people we are made out to be, and that sometimes it takes moving away from stress, starting new and building your own lives so you can truly be as happy as God wants you to be.